Tuesday, June 30, 2015

Choosing Vulnerability

Over the past two years, I've been learning about and wrestling with vulnerability.  I've been asking questions about its appropriate context and reflecting on its ability to cultivate connection.  Brene Brown, author of "Daring Greatly," has been an inspiration to me in this quest.  Although I'm a big fan of vulnerability within tried and true relationships, I'll admit that diving into vulnerability in the blogging world is uncomfortable and challenging.

On June 18th I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  The majority of women diagnosed with this cancer are 65 year olds, making my diagnosis at the age of 26 quite unexpected.  After a month of x-rays, blood work, a CT scan, an MRI, a minor surgery and biopsies, my Oncologist along with his colleagues confirmed that I have stage 3C epithelial ovarian cancer.  We're truly grateful for the amazing health team of professionals taking care of me.  The nurses, doctors, oncologists, anesthesiologists, receptionists and volunteers have been helpful, communicative and extremely caring as we absorb this shocking news and move forward.

I started chemotherapy on June 23rd and will do three rounds to shrink the cancerous tumours in my ovaries and surrounding areas.  Each chemo round is three weeks.  At the end of the summer, my Oncologist will do surgery to remove what's there and then I'll do another three rounds of chemo to hopefully get rid of all other cancer cells that remain.  My Oncologist is hopeful that I will respond well to chemotherapy treatment and will be in remission at the end of this game plan.

So how does vulnerability and cancer lead me to this blog?  First off, I'm not blogging to draw attention or sympathies for our situation.  We have been so blown away by our incredible prayer support system of family and friends who have showed their support in so many ways in the past month.  Everyone is going through their own trial of some kind, I just want to be open and honest with our journey in hopes it might encourage others in their own journey.  Secondly, I'm not blogging to replace authentic, relational vulnerability.  It's so important to me to have these conversations with the people I love before sharing it with the world.  However, it is my desire to share my raw reflections, not fake, sugar-coated facades.  I will be real.  There will be blogs about treatment updates as a way of updating family and friends, but there will also be blogs of random musings or ideas I'm wrestling with. 

To be completely honest and exposed, the real reason I am motivated to create this blog is to bring glory to God.  It's not about me, my cancer or my reflections in the journey.  This is all about the source of my peace, strength and joy amidst this trial who is Jesus Christ, the anchor of my soul.  

Being vulnerable and bold about my faith is what terrifies me most about blogging.  This is not my style.  I'm not one to post my Christian views online or corner people into discussions about faith, I'd rather just live out my faith each day.  Sharing my personal faith and real heart in a blog opens myself up to judgment and criticism.  While I've really wrestled with this in the past week, I've come to the conclusion that I would be lying if I didn't share my faith throughout this journey.  It's not my positivity, strength of character or inner peace that is getting me through each day, it is God giving me unexplainable strength, peace and even joy amidst this fear-filled road ahead.  This past week, this verse keeps popping up, 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline."  While I have fears and am timid, I am confident in my all-powerful and all-loving God and am committing to use this blog to unashamedly share my faith journey as it stretches and grows.  I'd be honoured if you chose to check out my blog from time to time.  To Him be the glory.  

18 comments:

  1. Thanks for doing this Julia! My personal faith has increased already to this point, seeing the poise you two have exhibited which can only be a result of God's Holy Spirit inside of you. There can be no other explanation!

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  2. Julia, thanks so much for sharing your story and for keeping us up on your journey. Please know that you have much prayers for you from the west coast!

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  3. God will receive glory, no doubt, as you surrender all to Him! Praying with you and for you. Much love! xo

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  4. Julia, thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. You write beautifully and it is so evident that God is using you in the midst of this most difficult circumstance. Your blog reminded me of a message we heard a few months ago from Judah Smith, "Does your soul have an anchor?" (http://thecity.org/message/does_your_soul_have_an_anchor). His message both challenged and encouraged us to cling to Jesus as the anchor for our souls in the midst of the challenges we were facing and as we reflected on past trials. We will be going boldly before the throne asking for your complete healing that you might continue to be a witness to His great love, mercy, grace, and power through your testimony. XO

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  5. Thank you for your strength and courage to share and be a pillar of faith. Our thoughts and prayers are with you and Andy!
    Love,
    Jon and Sandy

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  6. Julia, you are so beautiful and so real. It is nice to see. I like the part where you say no sugar coating and fake facade. Thanks for sharing. I will pray for you everyday.
    Pierre

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  7. Dear Julia, We are praying for you everyday. Thank you for sharing with us so honestly. Jesus is our Anchor and that truth sings as I read your words. I want to share something with you as a testimony of encouragement reflecting what you have written Julia. My Grandma is 91 and has dementia. Most of the time she is not sure about her surroundings or the reason for being in the Hospital, and we remind her often to ease her mind. Despite the confusion and memory difficulties, my Grandmother is clear about Who her Saviour is and that He is there with her! She tells us so, sings about Him and prays for us. Jesus is indeed our Anchor! Her mind is stayed on Him, and I know it's because He holds it there when she can't. My faith has grown so much through seeing how her Anchor holds her tight, gives security and peace in the midst of it all, and now it grows again hearing your heart Julia. He is your Anchor and He is my Grandmother's Anchor and He is my Anchor forever, no matter what.
    We love you and Andy and send emailed hugs to you both.
    Jeff and Jenny, Breanna, Kelsey and Samuel Hayhoe

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  8. Julia, you are a brave woman and I truly admire your courage! I have been praying for you ever since I heard the news, and I will continue to pray everyday for you and Andy. Lots of love and prays coming your way...sharon

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  9. Thank you Julia for your transparency and inspirational courage to testify to the anchor of our souls. Your vulnerability and willingness to be open and exposed is truly a testimony to the power of Christ in your life. Our family will continue to pray for you and Andy and all your extended family.

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  10. Thanks Julia... I am Josh and Jen's aunt and let me encourage you to live "wide open" God will be glorified. I went through a very painful and public divorce a few years ago. Both my Christian friends and my non Christian ones too got to see my anger, hurt, and fear as I struggled to understand "plans to prosper me and not to harm me". Our situations are very different but we serve the same God so being vulnerable and real during this not only produces glory to God but also great freedom for you and Andy and a great chance for friends and family to increase their faith as they support you. He is amazing! I pray for you almost every day 2 Thes 3:5 - May the Lord direct Julia and Andy's hearts into the love of God and the patience of Christ! Really it is posted on my bathroom mirror and I pray that for you while I brush my teeth! God bless... Lisa

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  11. Julia, what a beautiful and thoughtful discussion of vulnerability. I am so sorry for the circumstances that have led you to start this blog. But I am praying that God will continue to redeem this situation for both you and your family. I am close to being a 6-year breast cancer survivor and can echo your experience of receiving a supernatural measure of peace and strength through my year of treatment.
    (I am also a fan of Brene Brown)
    Much love and many prayers, Anne Williams, Forestview

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  12. Hi Julia,
    I just finished reading Daring Greatly for the second time - seeing vulnerability in action in your life and through this blog is truly beautiful. My heart is heavy for what you and your family are going through. Your perspective is humbling, inspiring and so courageous - thank you for sharing! My thoughts and prayers are yours.
    Love,
    Lindsay McCourt (Heather's cousin)

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  13. Hi Julia, your words are so very beautiful! We are praying for you and sending much love to you and your family. Having faith makes all the difference in the world and we can feel strength and peace in the lines you wrote.
    Thanks for sharing your journey.
    Gaby, Brad and Daniella

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  14. Hi Julia

    My name is kerry champagne-ireland my aunt is Patti Harvey. I just wanted to let you know I am praying for you and think you are an inspiration.

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  15. Hang in there. God is good. His plan is perfect. (Danielle Singor's aunt)

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  16. Hi Julia, I'm a childhood friend of your friends Seth & Micaela. She encouraged me to read your blog and pray for you and I'm sorry it's taken me this long to finally read it. You're a gifted writer and I appreciate your vulnerability and authenticity. It is evident that the Lord is working in and through you, wow. I'm challenged and inspired already and I've only read two blog posts. Prayers for you, your husband and families. - Marsena

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  17. Hi Julia,
    I've been browsing your blog and my heart aches for your trials. I admire your trust in God. Thank goodness we have that hope in Him! Will be praying for you!

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  18. Hello Julia and Andy,
    You don't know me, but I have heard about your journey through Josh, my physiotherapist, who is also your close friend. I am adding my prayers to the many already ascending to God's throne on your behalf. May your faith stay strong, rooted and built on Him who has all things in His hands. Thank you for sharing the love of Jesus through this blog - may it light they way for many to find faith in Him. God bless you with peace.

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