Choosing Vulnerability

Over the past two years, I've been learning about and wrestling with vulnerability.  I've been asking questions about its appropriate context and reflecting on its ability to cultivate connection.  Brene Brown, author of "Daring Greatly," has been an inspiration to me in this quest.  Although I'm a big fan of vulnerability within tried and true relationships, I'll admit that diving into vulnerability in the blogging world is uncomfortable and challenging.

On June 18th I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  The majority of women diagnosed with this cancer are 65 year olds, making my diagnosis at the age of 26 quite unexpected.  After a month of x-rays, blood work, a CT scan, an MRI, a minor surgery and biopsies, my Oncologist along with his colleagues confirmed that I have stage 3C epithelial ovarian cancer.  We're truly grateful for the amazing health team of professionals taking care of me.  The nurses, doctors, oncologists, anesthesiologists, receptionists and volunteers have been helpful, communicative and extremely caring as we absorb this shocking news and move forward.

I started chemotherapy on June 23rd and will do three rounds to shrink the cancerous tumours in my ovaries and surrounding areas.  Each chemo round is three weeks.  At the end of the summer, my Oncologist will do surgery to remove what's there and then I'll do another three rounds of chemo to hopefully get rid of all other cancer cells that remain.  My Oncologist is hopeful that I will respond well to chemotherapy treatment and will be in remission at the end of this game plan.

So how does vulnerability and cancer lead me to this blog?  First off, I'm not blogging to draw attention or sympathies for our situation.  We have been so blown away by our incredible prayer support system of family and friends who have showed their support in so many ways in the past month.  Everyone is going through their own trial of some kind, I just want to be open and honest with our journey in hopes it might encourage others in their own journey.  Secondly, I'm not blogging to replace authentic, relational vulnerability.  It's so important to me to have these conversations with the people I love before sharing it with the world.  However, it is my desire to share my raw reflections, not fake, sugar-coated facades.  I will be real.  There will be blogs about treatment updates as a way of updating family and friends, but there will also be blogs of random musings or ideas I'm wrestling with. 

To be completely honest and exposed, the real reason I am motivated to create this blog is to bring glory to God.  It's not about me, my cancer or my reflections in the journey.  This is all about the source of my peace, strength and joy amidst this trial who is Jesus Christ, the anchor of my soul.  

Being vulnerable and bold about my faith is what terrifies me most about blogging.  This is not my style.  I'm not one to post my Christian views online or corner people into discussions about faith, I'd rather just live out my faith each day.  Sharing my personal faith and real heart in a blog opens myself up to judgment and criticism.  While I've really wrestled with this in the past week, I've come to the conclusion that I would be lying if I didn't share my faith throughout this journey.  It's not my positivity, strength of character or inner peace that is getting me through each day, it is God giving me unexplainable strength, peace and even joy amidst this fear-filled road ahead.  This past week, this verse keeps popping up, 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love and self-discipline."  While I have fears and am timid, I am confident in my all-powerful and all-loving God and am committing to use this blog to unashamedly share my faith journey as it stretches and grows.  I'd be honoured if you chose to check out my blog from time to time.  To Him be the glory.