Resolutions for a New Year - and a New Me

Making resolutions feels strange after experiencing deep loss. Any sort of planning or dreaming - is there any point when you know more of life's vicissitudes could be around the corner?

You tried to dream once, of a life filled with children, family vacations, visits to grandparents, kids off to college, retirement - together. Now she's gone and with her all those dreams. Why bother to dream again, if they can so quickly dissolve away?

Right about now, Julia would say, "Oh stop! I may be gone, but you're still here. Stop moping around and live it up!" Or something along those lines.

The reality is I can still accomplish all of these goals, or other goals I plan for. Just not the "together" part. Not together with Julia, at least. Which will always be painful. But what I've learned is that pain and joy can co-exist.

In fact, I've come to really enjoy some things in life that are a little bit painful. I enjoy dark humour more than I used to. There's something about literally laughing in the face of pain. I used to hate running because of the pain; now, when I'm in the middle of a 10k and feel like giving up, I find joy in fighting through it. I like walking places instead of driving. I like reaching for a book instead of my phone when I come home from work.

I'm more comfortable with the grey areas of life. I'd still take answers to the why questions if I could get them, but I'm learning to find peace in the mystery. Any "answers" I've been given ring hollow, and I have trouble digesting black and white thinking. I want answers, yet I don't.

I want joy, yet I know pain often comes with it.

So, in this tension, I dare to look forward. Since the grief fog started to lift, I've been thinking about who I am, the new me, inevitably changed by all I've been through. And I'm thinking about how I can locate Julia, the love for her I will always have, and the grief, in order to move forward with it in a healthy way.

That is my number one "resolution" for this year. I also have some others that I have written down in the past month. They are mainly about strengthening my relationship with God, taking more control of my life, doing hard, but satisfying, things, and being less wasteful. Here they are:

• Spend less time on social media
• Use less physical waste
• Drive less, walk more
• Meditate every day (not spiritual, Buddhist-style meditation but simply training my mind to deal with stress as evidence shows it can do)
• Read every day (especially the Bible and literary fiction)
• Write more (I want to say every day but...life)
• Do more teaching (however that looks)
• Come up with a new design for this blog (so it's easier for people to find Julia's posts)
• Run 10k under 45 minutes and 5k under 21 minutes
• Hike at least 10,000 feet of elevation gain
• Start working on a book (at least the idea for one)