Confidence

Yesterday, Andy and I were told the cancer has returned to my abdomen. I had a chest and abdomen CT scan last week to investigate a bump on my pelvis. When we met with my oncologist from Juravinski Hospital in Hamilton yesterday, our concern was confirmed.

There are multiple tumours in my abdomen and maybe more hidden by post-surgery inflammation. We see my oncologist at Princess Margaret Hospital in Toronto next Tuesday afternoon to continue discussing the CT scan and options, but this is the information we have now.

Surgery is not recommended for multiple reasons. First of all, cancer’s fast return since the incredible September abdomen surgery only seven months ago is concerning. While I do have low-grade (typically slow-growing, no response to chemo) epithelial ovarian cancer, the young cases like mine show it behaves differently and can be fast-growing, which we’ve seen. Secondly, my body is not strong enough to endure another major surgery this soon. Having undergone two major surgeries in the past seven months, my new body has had trouble catching up to strengthen and heal. Lastly, with the uncertainty of just how far the disease has spread, there would be major surgical decisions with consequences that’d greatly affect my quality of life. At this point, we are not considering surgery.

As most of you are aware, any form of chemotherapy or radiation are not options. Chemo was ineffective in my case and radiation would destroy the few organs and limited digestive system I have left. At this point, we can consider clinical trials or oral drugs.

Throughout my cancer treatment, there has been this ongoing trial taking place in Toronto and Hamilton. At each surgery decision in my journey, we’ve considered joining this trial instead. Well it turns out that this particular trial was cancelled on Monday of this week, just a day before we got the CT scan results! Crazy timing. The trial was ended because the drug was ineffective. To Andy and I this is such clear evidence of God’s grace being poured out on us, protecting us and revealing Himself to us. I’m so thankful to avoid going through this trial, experiencing all of the horrible side effects, only to have it not work! Thank you Lord for your grace.

The option Juravinski Hospital can offer me at this time is an oral drug. This is not a trial, has a 15-20% success rate in fighting cancer, is taken twice daily at home and has very minimal side effects. Next week, we’ll meet with my Princess Margaret oncologist to see if there are any clinical trial options for my medical profile in Toronto. After that appointment, we’ll have a decision to make. Please pray for wisdom in these conversations and peace in the decision moving forward.

While we wait to make a decision, we take in this news. Andy and I, our tight-knit families and our close friends are digesting this new reality. From being at a place where my treatment plan had come to an end and we were wrestling with what it’d look like to start a new normal, cancer returning was not our hope. My reaction to yesterday’s news won’t make sense unless you read how I’ve processed this and understand who my God is.

I’ve had time to process this possibility for the past two weeks when we learned about the concerning bump. In that time, I’ve cried out to God; asking why it would return so fast, begging for healing and long life, pleading with Him to see that I don’t deserve this, etc. It’s been so important for me to embrace these raw feelings and express them. Rather than pushing aside doubts, fears and complaints, bring them before God. Rather than drawing on theories and philosophies, just come broken before God. He longs to be in relationship with us. It’s the whole reason Jesus died in our place, so that we could be freely connected to God. Although He knows the depths of our hearts already, He loves when we choose to share it with Him. You won’t be the first human to express your raw emotions to the Almighty God (see Struck by Reality). I know from experience that unleashing these emotions to God is a healthy and freeing way of dealing with pain.

Then it hit me. I didn’t know what to expect from the CT scan results, but I DID know what to expect from God amidst hard times. Andy and I have seen and experienced the incredible ways God works through suffering and pain. While we will never understand why these things happen, we KNOW who has sustained us all along. Since that day in June when we were given the awful diagnosis, we have discovered more of who God is.

While a cancer relapse is not what we expected or hoped for, I have more confidence than ever. I realize it might seem unbelievable that my reaction to yesterday’s news would be confidence, but it is. We have this quiet, underlying confidence in our God. “My hope comes from Him.” Psalm 62:5. We now know what He is capable of. Although “shit happens,” He chooses to walk with us in the pain of this world. We’ve seen the ways in which He equips our far-reaching church family to care for us tangibly. And in moments of fear, doubt and frustration, we know He patiently listens, graciously waiting for our hearts to rest in His love. Ultimately, our hope is rooted in His promise and gift of eternity.

So in the face of uncertainty, we can hold on to an unshakable confidence in God. He has and will continue to be the anchor of our souls in this storm called cancer. And it is only by His power that we are able to be filled with joy, peace and hope. Praise God!

“May the God of hope 

fill you with all joy and peace 

as you trust in Him, 

so that you may overflow with hope 

by the power of the Holy Spirit.” 

– Romans 15:13